Excited to grow up?

           I used to be excited to grow up...now it's kind of scary.  I'm not excited to grow up--I will always be a kid at heart--I'm more excited to start my career.  Tonight made it even more exciting!  Some of you may know that I was abused by my dad (that post will come another time) but throughout all of my past, it has made me who I am today and I wouldn't change it for anything.  My past has helped me figure out what I want to do with my life...and that is become a therapist for victims of abuse.
          One of my old therapists called me last week to ask me if I would come in and talk with a girl she is seeing.  At first I was thinking to myself, "I can't do that", "What if I get triggered and fall back into my old habits?"  After all that negative thinking, I started praying and asking God to help me and give me the strength...afterall, God did give me this wonderful opportunity!
           I went there tonight kind of nervous but the whole way there I just turned on my Christian music and asked God to give me strength.  God does provide.  After the session with the girl, I was once again reassured that this is the career God wants me to go into.  Having the opportunity to give people hope is amazing!  We all go through hard times but with God's help, we can get through it.  Everything happens for a reason and I'm starting to see why things happened to me.
           Throughout all the trials in our lives, we need to Hold fast.  Hold fast has became my life motto.  It's a term used by sailors when they let the anchor down to hold fast (hold on tight) so they don't fall overboard.  That's the same thing in life...whenever life seems like a storm and you can't get out of it, Hold fast because everything will be okay in the end.  Hold fast onto God's word, "Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful;" Hebrews 10:23.  
           Last week I got a tattoo.  It says Hold fast and the "H" turns into the child abuse ribbon.  I love it so much and it is such a great reminder whenever life gets tough. 

Happy Independence Day!

           So I know this is late but Happy Independence Day!  I worked so I didn't get to see fireworks because I was too tired afterwards.  I'm not really a big firework person.  The loud noise always makes me jump.  haha!  Alot of people don't realize that there are soldiers fighting for our freedom while there are people using the 4th of July to get drunk on a beach somewhere.  It's quite sad actually.  There are two people who would die for you...God and the soldiers fighting for your freedom.
         

One Nation Under God by Roger Robicheau One Nation Under God we live Think about all some had to give We the people share freedom’s life In a world of ever present strife Be grateful to those who keep this true Warriors of our red, white, and blue They're trained by those of great skill Honed to perform, so strong their will They show what love is all about They’ll fight for us, there is no doubt Defending bravely what we are No holding back each heartfelt star Highly praise these men and women Giving thanks time and again Those in uniform will always be The golden pride of this country Here's my sister and I before I went into work! #murica

Happy Father's Day

           Ever since my dad was taken away, I dread Father's Day.  All the cards and the celebrating dad is hard when you don't have one anymore.  Yes, the reason why my dad isn't here is valid and I agree he shouldn't be here but it's still tough.  Yes, I know my Heavenly Father is always there for me but I need that physical relationship...ya know?  
           This year has been harder than the past five.  I have cried everyday since Wednesday.  Between graduating high school, turning 18, and getting ready for college...it's been tough not having my dad here.  I'm not good with transitions or change in general.  Since my dad was taken away, my brother has stepped up to the plate and became the man of the house.  Always protecting us, locking the doors whenever we're home, being the handyman around the house full of girls (lets face it, we have no idea what tools to use or how to fix anything broken) but somehow my brother does and he hasn't had a male figure to teach him...maybe its a boy thing?  Anyway, my brother and I are super close...we always have been, always will be.  Since we were little we would build forts, play legos, play on the dirt hill we used to have in the backyard before it turned into an ant hill.  I'm pretty sure it's not easy living with all girls but my brother has never complained...at least not out loud. haha.  Today broke my heart though.  During church i saw his eyes watering (which if you know my brother, he doesn't show emotion).  I hate seeing my brother hurt because it makes me hurt with him.  While we were singing in church I broke down and started crying.  It's just hard because we did nothing to deserve this.  It hurts that my brother never had a good male role model to look up to.  All of the men in his life after my dad was taken away that told him they were going to do things with him or be there for him never have...they always left or stopped talking to him and i feel so bad.  I told him I'll always be there for him but it's not the same.
           My mom has done wonders for our family.  She not only stopped the abuse but she took on the role of both parents.  Yes it has been a challenge but I know she wouldn't take it back for anything.  We have all grown stronger not only as individuals, but also as a family.  A couple days after my dad was taken away, I had to have surgery to get my appendix taken out.....talk about bad timing.  But once again, my mom never complained.  My mom doesn't nearly get enough credit for what she does.  Throughout this whole trial in our lives, she always kept her eyes on God and always did her best no matter how exhausted she was.  I hope one day I can be like her.  The strength and faith she has is remarkable and the courage and endurance she has is unbelievable.  
           This past year I met a guy who quickly became my father figure.  When I met Brant and started getting close to him and January all I could think about is "great, just more people that are going to be there for me one day and walk right out of my life the next..." Boy was I wrong.  Since my dad was taken away, I've always been sketchy about males.  I only trusted my brother and my brother only.  When I saw a male, all I could see was who my dad was...no matter if they were a big teddy bear or not. I was scared.  Brant changed that for me.  Brant taught me how men are supposed to behave, he taught me forgiveness, how I should expect to be treated like a princess and so much more.  He became the dad I never had and was more of a dad to me in a year than my father was in 13.  He's taken me in and loved me like one of his own.  I know that no matter what, if I need him he'll be there and that means the world to me since my dad never was.  
           Today was probably the best Father's Day I've had.  I'm so thankful for the people that are in my life at this moment and will continue to be because we're family and I wouldn't change that for anything.  Ohana means family, and family means nobody is ever left behind or forgotten.

Vitamin Sea

           A few days ago I needed some "me" time so I went to the beach alone to get some Vitamin Sea.  Luckily, living in Florida beaches are everywhere and I can go anytime.  As I was laying on the beach, I couldn't help but notice God's beautiful creation.  I've grown up in Florida so I've been to the beach numerous times but it has always been so crowded with people or I've always gone with someone.  This time was different, there was absolutely no one and it was beautiful.
           I get a sense of calmness when I come to the beach.  The beautiful waves crashing on shore, the smell of sea salt in the air, the sand brushing against my skin, the clear blue skies over my head and the sun beaming down on my body.  It's all so wonderful.  As I'm looking out at sea, I'm thinking "wow, this is all so perfect made by a perfect God".
           Building sandmen at the beach because there's no snow to make a snowmen during the winter, seeing beautiful sand sculptures down at siesta, becoming tan over summer and being able to come to the beach just to get away from reality for a little bit is so great.  I love living where people vacation.

My last Showtime :(

           So this past Sunday, June 7, 2015, I had my last Showtime at Florida Dance Workshop.  For those of you who don't know what Showtime is, it's my end of the year performance for dance.  Dance has made a major impact in my life, especially after my dad was taken away.  Dance has not only became a hobby, but also an outlet.  It has became apart of me.  I spent hours a day at my studio.  The people there not only became my friends, but we became a family.
           Have you ever loved a sport so much where you didn't know what to do with yourself during a break or time off?  That was me with dance.  During summer, Christmas breaks and Thanksgiving breaks I would go crazy because all I did was dance.  When I dance, I have this feeling that I'm free from whatever is going on at home or at school or just life in general.  Like I said, dance was my outlet.
           There's something about dancing that fills my heart with such joy.  Whether it's performing on stage or just at my studio practicing.  The butterflies in your tummy you get before you compete, the adrenaline you feel while you're performing and the satisfaction you feel when you're done with a dance.  Dancing isn't about winning double platinum's or high golds...it's about becoming better than you were the day before.  It's for the joy you feel while performing.
           People often wonder why we do pointe when it hurts so bad, why we stress out over rhinestones and glitter and props for one dance, why we spend thousands of dollars per dance season.  Let me tell you why...it's because it's a part of us.  Dance is not only a sport but an art (even though some people don't think dance is even a sport).  Holding all you're weight on your toes and dancing gracefully, having the endurance of a football player and working through the pain until you finish the dance...being criticized as long as your feet are gliding across the floor, not just based on technique but also facial expressions and the movements you perform to correspond with the style selected...and doing it all with a smile on your face.  That's dance.
      Through all the blood, sweat and tears...dance has become apart of me.  I have learned discipline, life lessons, how to love, how to be supportive and so much more. My studio has became a family and my teachers have not only became my friends, but mentors.  They taught me not only about dance but various life lessons.  I don't know what I'm going to do with myself when I go off to college but hopefully I'll still be dancing somewhere.  I will of course miss my family at FDW but I know their doors are always open and I will always be apart of the FDW family.

I did a thing

May 27,2015

           So, I know this is late but I graduated!  Also on my graduation day, i turned 18...talk about a great birthday present!  It was so weird not going back to high school.  It felt so surreal walking across that stage and getting my diploma...not talking to or seeing the people I grew up with everyday...growing up in general.  haha.
           My grandpa from Michigan was able to come down and watch me walk across the stage and reach this big milestone in my life.  That was pretty cool!  He stayed for 10 days and got to come to my award ceremony (i got so many!), my graduation party, my actual graduation and celebrate my birthday.  We haven't seen him in a while because he lives in Michigan so anytime seeing him is always a good time!
            Though people come and go in our lives, I was beyond grateful for the people who helped me along the way and supported me throughout my four years in high school.  Whether they are still in my life or not, they have made an impact in my life and helped mold me into the person I am today...I wouldn't change that for anything.  I will definitely miss friendships I have made--not only with my peers but also teachers as well--I am ready to continue this journey I call life and start my career.  I know i will keep in contact with my true friends and I can't wait to see what God will be doing in their lives.

Everything Happens For A Reason

           You know the saying, "Everything happens for a reason"?  I do believe that but a lot of times I catch myself wondering what that reason is.  Why was I abused? What would my life be like if my dad was still around?  How can it be that some people are there for you through thick and thin then all of a sudden want nothing to do with you? Many questions go through my head daily and I often wonder, 'if everything happens for a reason, then why do these things happen?'
           I know I will never get those answers and I just have to trust God but it still makes me feel upset for some reason.  I'm the type of person that wants to know anything and everything haha. But not knowing why something happens in your life is frustrating ya know? I know that I wouldn't be the strong women I am today if it weren't for everything I've been through so I guess that's a positive outcome.  There are inane people in the world that make silly choices that affect you for a lifetime.  But everything happens for a reason, right?
           The verse Jeremiah 29:11 comes to mind whenever I have those thoughts: "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Although I will probably never know the reason why certain things happen in my life, I have to remember God has a plan and that he is in charge no matter how many times I try to take things into my own hands,  Despite all the hardships that I have endured (which I'll tell about them someday), I wouldn't change a thing because I would not be the person I am today.

I never really thought that putting down the pencil and letting God write my story would be so hard yet so beautiful at the very same time.

International Dance Day!

           In honor of International Dance Day, here's a collage.  Dance is a major outlet for me and a
pain in my butt at the same time.  haha.  I danced a little bit when I was about 4 then started back up again in 8th grade, I have learned many things from dance; self-discipline and how to have the
endurance and strength as a football player but be graceful at the same time as well as many other
things. Through all of the blood, sweat and tears, getting eyelash glue in your eyes while trying to put fake eyelashes on, finding rhinestones/glitter EVERYWHERE, hours of practice every week for one performance at the end of the year, daily injuries and pulled muscles, I wouldn't change a thing.  I love my dance family and the thrill of performing on stage!

Meeka

           I prefer big dogs, not the little rat dogs that nip at the back of your ankles.   I never was a cat person in fact, I hated them.  I have always been allergic to them; stuffy nose, itchy eyes/skin, hives, you name it.  But the other night, there was a cat who came to one of my mom's coworkers house.  You could tell she has been in a home before but not recently.  My mom's coworker took her to the vet to get her checked out and brought her over tonight to give to us!
           After hours of trying to come up with a name, we decided on Meeka.  My skin/eyes still get itchy but not nearly as bad and that's good because Meeka stole my heart. The vet said she was about a year old and she is so skinny its lugubrious. She climbs up on my lap when I do my homework and cuddles with me and all around puts me in a better mood.  I will probably be one of those people who is single and lives in a house full of cats (totally joking by the way).
           My brother is absolutely in love with her.  Perfect companion when my brother has his surgery in a couple months.  ;)
xo-Megs

T Minus One More Month!

           So today when I woke up, I looked at my phone (daily routine) and saw I only have one more month left of high school! I have a countdown on my phone of graduation and my birthday (they're on the same day).  As I saw the notification many feelings started running through my body.  I was excited, nervous, happy, and terrified.  The thought of never seeing the people I grew up with day-after-day after graduation kind of scares me.
           I've never been good with change.  When my dad was taken away, it was hard to adjust...even going onto the next grade level was tough.  The thought of my best friend being 174 miles away is heartbreaking.  Yes, it could be worse but its still a big change from seeing her everyday at school or at church every Sunday. My family has gotten so much closer in the last five years and leaving them this fall  is going to be such a big change...part of me is ready and there is a big part of me that is not. Also, during my senior year, I have made so many new friends and have gotten close with people and I'm afraid that when we all go our separate ways, we won't keep in touch.  But, as my high school career comes to an end, I'm determined to make the best of it.

My best friend and I at her 18th birthday party

First Post

As I'm in the last month of my senior year of highschool, I decided to start a blog.  This blog is to document the transition from highschool to college and so on.  I will be writing about my days, my past and random stuff in general.  Thanks for tagging along. 

xo- Megs