Happy Father's Day

           Ever since my dad was taken away, I dread Father's Day.  All the cards and the celebrating dad is hard when you don't have one anymore.  Yes, the reason why my dad isn't here is valid and I agree he shouldn't be here but it's still tough.  Yes, I know my Heavenly Father is always there for me but I need that physical relationship...ya know?  
           This year has been harder than the past five.  I have cried everyday since Wednesday.  Between graduating high school, turning 18, and getting ready for college...it's been tough not having my dad here.  I'm not good with transitions or change in general.  Since my dad was taken away, my brother has stepped up to the plate and became the man of the house.  Always protecting us, locking the doors whenever we're home, being the handyman around the house full of girls (lets face it, we have no idea what tools to use or how to fix anything broken) but somehow my brother does and he hasn't had a male figure to teach him...maybe its a boy thing?  Anyway, my brother and I are super close...we always have been, always will be.  Since we were little we would build forts, play legos, play on the dirt hill we used to have in the backyard before it turned into an ant hill.  I'm pretty sure it's not easy living with all girls but my brother has never complained...at least not out loud. haha.  Today broke my heart though.  During church i saw his eyes watering (which if you know my brother, he doesn't show emotion).  I hate seeing my brother hurt because it makes me hurt with him.  While we were singing in church I broke down and started crying.  It's just hard because we did nothing to deserve this.  It hurts that my brother never had a good male role model to look up to.  All of the men in his life after my dad was taken away that told him they were going to do things with him or be there for him never have...they always left or stopped talking to him and i feel so bad.  I told him I'll always be there for him but it's not the same.
           My mom has done wonders for our family.  She not only stopped the abuse but she took on the role of both parents.  Yes it has been a challenge but I know she wouldn't take it back for anything.  We have all grown stronger not only as individuals, but also as a family.  A couple days after my dad was taken away, I had to have surgery to get my appendix taken out.....talk about bad timing.  But once again, my mom never complained.  My mom doesn't nearly get enough credit for what she does.  Throughout this whole trial in our lives, she always kept her eyes on God and always did her best no matter how exhausted she was.  I hope one day I can be like her.  The strength and faith she has is remarkable and the courage and endurance she has is unbelievable.  
           This past year I met a guy who quickly became my father figure.  When I met Brant and started getting close to him and January all I could think about is "great, just more people that are going to be there for me one day and walk right out of my life the next..." Boy was I wrong.  Since my dad was taken away, I've always been sketchy about males.  I only trusted my brother and my brother only.  When I saw a male, all I could see was who my dad was...no matter if they were a big teddy bear or not. I was scared.  Brant changed that for me.  Brant taught me how men are supposed to behave, he taught me forgiveness, how I should expect to be treated like a princess and so much more.  He became the dad I never had and was more of a dad to me in a year than my father was in 13.  He's taken me in and loved me like one of his own.  I know that no matter what, if I need him he'll be there and that means the world to me since my dad never was.  
           Today was probably the best Father's Day I've had.  I'm so thankful for the people that are in my life at this moment and will continue to be because we're family and I wouldn't change that for anything.  Ohana means family, and family means nobody is ever left behind or forgotten.

Vitamin Sea

           A few days ago I needed some "me" time so I went to the beach alone to get some Vitamin Sea.  Luckily, living in Florida beaches are everywhere and I can go anytime.  As I was laying on the beach, I couldn't help but notice God's beautiful creation.  I've grown up in Florida so I've been to the beach numerous times but it has always been so crowded with people or I've always gone with someone.  This time was different, there was absolutely no one and it was beautiful.
           I get a sense of calmness when I come to the beach.  The beautiful waves crashing on shore, the smell of sea salt in the air, the sand brushing against my skin, the clear blue skies over my head and the sun beaming down on my body.  It's all so wonderful.  As I'm looking out at sea, I'm thinking "wow, this is all so perfect made by a perfect God".
           Building sandmen at the beach because there's no snow to make a snowmen during the winter, seeing beautiful sand sculptures down at siesta, becoming tan over summer and being able to come to the beach just to get away from reality for a little bit is so great.  I love living where people vacation.

My last Showtime :(

           So this past Sunday, June 7, 2015, I had my last Showtime at Florida Dance Workshop.  For those of you who don't know what Showtime is, it's my end of the year performance for dance.  Dance has made a major impact in my life, especially after my dad was taken away.  Dance has not only became a hobby, but also an outlet.  It has became apart of me.  I spent hours a day at my studio.  The people there not only became my friends, but we became a family.
           Have you ever loved a sport so much where you didn't know what to do with yourself during a break or time off?  That was me with dance.  During summer, Christmas breaks and Thanksgiving breaks I would go crazy because all I did was dance.  When I dance, I have this feeling that I'm free from whatever is going on at home or at school or just life in general.  Like I said, dance was my outlet.
           There's something about dancing that fills my heart with such joy.  Whether it's performing on stage or just at my studio practicing.  The butterflies in your tummy you get before you compete, the adrenaline you feel while you're performing and the satisfaction you feel when you're done with a dance.  Dancing isn't about winning double platinum's or high golds...it's about becoming better than you were the day before.  It's for the joy you feel while performing.
           People often wonder why we do pointe when it hurts so bad, why we stress out over rhinestones and glitter and props for one dance, why we spend thousands of dollars per dance season.  Let me tell you why...it's because it's a part of us.  Dance is not only a sport but an art (even though some people don't think dance is even a sport).  Holding all you're weight on your toes and dancing gracefully, having the endurance of a football player and working through the pain until you finish the dance...being criticized as long as your feet are gliding across the floor, not just based on technique but also facial expressions and the movements you perform to correspond with the style selected...and doing it all with a smile on your face.  That's dance.
      Through all the blood, sweat and tears...dance has become apart of me.  I have learned discipline, life lessons, how to love, how to be supportive and so much more. My studio has became a family and my teachers have not only became my friends, but mentors.  They taught me not only about dance but various life lessons.  I don't know what I'm going to do with myself when I go off to college but hopefully I'll still be dancing somewhere.  I will of course miss my family at FDW but I know their doors are always open and I will always be apart of the FDW family.

I did a thing

May 27,2015

           So, I know this is late but I graduated!  Also on my graduation day, i turned 18...talk about a great birthday present!  It was so weird not going back to high school.  It felt so surreal walking across that stage and getting my diploma...not talking to or seeing the people I grew up with everyday...growing up in general.  haha.
           My grandpa from Michigan was able to come down and watch me walk across the stage and reach this big milestone in my life.  That was pretty cool!  He stayed for 10 days and got to come to my award ceremony (i got so many!), my graduation party, my actual graduation and celebrate my birthday.  We haven't seen him in a while because he lives in Michigan so anytime seeing him is always a good time!
            Though people come and go in our lives, I was beyond grateful for the people who helped me along the way and supported me throughout my four years in high school.  Whether they are still in my life or not, they have made an impact in my life and helped mold me into the person I am today...I wouldn't change that for anything.  I will definitely miss friendships I have made--not only with my peers but also teachers as well--I am ready to continue this journey I call life and start my career.  I know i will keep in contact with my true friends and I can't wait to see what God will be doing in their lives.